Peculiar respect that comes with owning a car in Nairobi

The parking pool in Nairobi traffic is a sight to behold. Amidst the delibatating poverty in the country and wavering foreign debts for development funded projects, one can be confused to think you are on the streets of New York traffic jams. The culture of owning a car in Nairobi is not only fascinating but a necessity that has woven into the suburban folks. Owning a car in Nairobi irrespective if you have parking space at your rental home is not only a necessity but a great escape from immense poverty and a way to build self confidence and esteem. The demands of owning a car is a must after your first job; It is a way of life in Nairobi. It does not matter if you own a road unworthy junk of car that gives you numerous trips to the local garage, as long as you own one. Matt McGath, an Environment correspondent with BBC news wrote an insightful article worth reading on 26th October 2020 on “Climate change: Dangerous and dirty used cars sold to Africa”.

There is some elegance and respect that comes with owning a car in Nairobi. It exudes power and success even if you are drowning in debts and no job. From the security guard stationed at work and at your rented home he or she accords you a Member of Parliament respect . They call you “Sir” “Madam” when you drive through. You automatically become Mr. Money bags when you drive. The finer the car the higher the expectations even from the parking attendants. This reminds me every time I walk through the market in my neighbourhood, most mama mbogas scamper to serve those driving and too “tired” to step out of their vehicles to shop. Many a time I have been left holding my carrots and cabbage in my hands as my mama mboga excused herself to serve quickly the man or woman driving through in his car. I have always wanted to know if they pay extra to be served sitted behind the wheel🙄.

The younger generation takes immense pride in owning not just a car but that car. This obviously brings meaning into their lives more than anything else. Severally, I have seen in amusement young lads parade their Subaru cars and to those exuding extra pride and confidence show off Mercedes Benz class(es) cars. If you log into Instagram, the sight of these cars are paraded carefree for all and sundry to see and is always a sight to behold. A couple of months ago social media was awash with a video of a woman singing praises to God for having bestowed her friend with a powerful machine worth millions. Unfortunately the owner of this plush machine died tragically from a bullet wound later. Like him, the urban culture and demands is pressing the youth further to want to prove to kin and friends that ‘they have made it in life’.

A close friend of mine is dating a man who owns a exquisite German machine. Every time he visits, he lets her take the car for a spin anywhere. I am that friend that sits on the side of the driver with my elbow stuck out of the window like I own that car. With windows rolled down we drive through the shopping malls to buy only a roll on and matchboxes; Stop by the petrol station to have the windows cleaned and tyres added pressure and enjoy the “Madam, Madam pleasantries “. After that, we pop by to visit old friends who are popular in gossiping about others lives to just say hello. The car keys is worth noting can never fit in any handbag. It has got to swing and be placed precariously on table tops for those close to pay attention. It works. Even in restaurants. Walk in on foot and some hotels may discriminate on you. One time, a four star wanna be five star hotel denied me entry to its establishment sighting that I looked like a security threat. A lady passed me by at the entrance with the usual dangling car keys gait, her bag was not even searched. But wait, I on the outside still looked like a security threat? According to such establishments, security threats are cited number one are from those people that walk in on foot to such discriminatory hotels, period. Amazingly the valet has the temerity to sneer at your dusty shoes and dry lips not knowing you can afford to tip him😂.

Ever tried applying for a tender and walk in to present your proposals to the institutions that called for the tender? My friend, you would rather hire a car for that purpose only. Otherwise, you are deemed not serious and unable to deliver the requirements of the tender. Practically you are reserved as someone who will be unable to deliver anything in a timely manner. A car proves you can move around with ease and when called upon at any time.

Villagers have not been left behind in the worshipping culture of car owners. When I was growing up, every school holiday we travelled upcountry to help with tea and coffee picking from the farm. I had this aunt who had married into a rich family. The husband had bought her a second hand saloon car. Every school holiday she drove her kids too to the village and ensured she stopped at every neighbouring home she knew as she grew up. She would roll several kshs.50 to give any villager who flagged her down with praises as she slowly drove past. On reaching home at my grandparents, she was welcomed with ululations and dance. It did not matter if she only had carried 1kg of sugar and a 500 grams packet of maize meal flour, the car was a promise of better things to come for the villagers pockets. My professor friend in UK recently lamented to me how his younger brother who had just finished University was burgeoning him to send him money to buy a car. His worry was how will he afford to fuel a car without a job? Professor knows that is an irresponsible thought expecting him to break the bank for a liability!

In my younger days, women would list a criteria of things to look for in a man before accepting to date him. Then, we did not have ubers and the regular taxis were exorbitant. On top of the list was he should drive a car, not necessarily own but at least drive one. This would add ease to and from dinner dates to the ladies. A young man with a car then had ladies swarming to him like bees. What he did to earn a living was the least of anyone’s concern or how many other women he was dating. As long as you earned a place to sit on the lady’s seat like a his car and all your friends gawked with envy as he picked and dropped you. That was a boost for your self esteem for the remaining part of the year.

We also have a culture of all and sundry asking you if you drive? From kin, colleagues and potential dates. This question should be shelved by all as an invasion of one’s privacy. This wayside question always triggers my mind to ask if one knows if you drive, does it mean they want to be your co-driver or will they automatically have shares in owning your car 🙄?

(Photo courtesy pinterest )

The Closeted Nairobi Gay Men who Marry Straight Women

Photo used for illustrative purposes only. Courtesy

I bumped into Brian (not his real name) during my annual dental check up at the clinic recently. Due to Covid -19 restrictions we were at the clinics’ car park awaiting the nursing receptionist call when it was our time for our respective scheduled appointments. This was in accordance to the guidelines for keeping social distancing during this Covid pandemic. As we waited calmly seated in our cars for our turn with the dentist, I engaged Brian in general conversation about our work, personal lives and the unwavering poor economy. Suddenly, Brian begun to giggle and asked me if I remembered Tom our Post Graduate fellow student of about 10 years ago. I smiled sheepishly as I remembered Tom theatrics during our class group discussions. Tom was a tall and husky man who was very friendly and had an infectious laughter. Brian continued with his narration as to how after our post-graduation, he had bumped into Tom severally at the famous local Rugby pitch. One day, Brian recalls how Tom had called him on a lazy Sunday afternoon and asked him if they could meet up. Brian was home with his pack of beers cozily set on his favorite armchair and ready to watch his favorite football match when he received Tom’s call. Brian immediately deemed it convenient to ask Tom over to his house and watch the game together as they cheered on their favorite teams.

Within half an hour, Tom was at Brian’s place a few minutes after the football match had begun. First half into the match and both Brian and Tom had gobbled a few cans of beers. Without warning or hesitation, Tom begun to fondle Brian’s thigh. I was taken aback by this statement from Brian because we both knew Tom as a happily married man. I did not want to look shocked or express any reaction whatsoever before I heard the ending of this story. Brian told me he was agitated and immediately his first reaction was to throw Tom out of his house even before the match on TV was over. Since that fiasco, Tom has never called Brian or had any communication with him. A few minutes later, Brian’s appointment with the dentist was due and we waved our good byes. As I waited for my turn for an overdue scaling, I quickly logged on my Facebook account and begun my search for Tom’s account. Curious and overly shocked I soon found his facebook account glaring at me and a cute striking profile photo of Tom and his wife. I went further and searched his albums and all I stumbled upon were photos of Tom and his wife all taken together as a couple in different places around the country. All the images exhibited Tom and his wife as a loving married couple that left no doubt in my mind. This led me to research further as to why we have closeted gay men in Nairobi who end up marrying straight women?

1. Fear of societal backlash and stigma – Due to our cultural upbringing, gay men grow up with the fear of “coming out” of their sexual orientation because family, friends and even workmates expect the traditional man in society to live and behave in a certain way.  Hence, they end up having a traditional marriage and sire children to save face in society and put on a façade for their parents and kin but in reality, they keep dating other men in secret while still married to women.

2. Lack of acceptance in the Church – Most, if not all religious affiliations in Nairobi hardly accept diverse sexual orientation(s) in Church or in the mosque. This is because the concept of the family and faith from deviated sexual norms is not acceptable in the doctrine teachings. This has led to many gay men hiding in the closet so as not to be banned from the Church or other denominations.

3. Difficulties in conforming to the societal stereotypes once they ‘come out’ – The fear of being castigated by society and to be judged is greater than having to openly declare one’s sexual orientation. Some would prefer to die than honestly and openly declare to anyone that they are gay.

One of the tell-tale signs to look for if you think your husband could be gay is your suspicion. The minute you suspect your partner could be gay, then actually he could. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it is definitely a duck. In this digital age, you can always do your own investigations by snooping his browsing history and you are likely to come across gay porn or his account in gay chat rooms. It is said that due to extreme self-denial he could be also extremely homophobic. This man finds it difficult to hide his interest or attraction to his own sex. For example, he could subconsciously comment regularly on his male co-worker looks, dressing or personality. The most giveaway sign is his loss in sexual interest with you yet he is not cheating on you with another woman or dealing with the common distractions of everyday life to evade intimacy with you. Everything else in your lives could be perfect except his interest in sex with you and that is because he is attracted to other men and finds it difficult in his mind and body to compromise this.

We have couples who decide to try and work things out by going into therapy or agree to have an open relationship and deceive the society that they are ‘happily’ married. In retrospect, this would in the end keep the wife unhappy and lonely in that marriage. Sometimes the woman is heavily invested emotionally and financially dependent on the husband to find an avenue to escape. It would be wise for this husband to be honest with himself and release the wife but often the guilt that overwhelms such men to let go of a good woman and mother to his children is too intense. Such relationships will always be a mismatch and eventually never ends well. Do not marry to conform to societal norms yet you absolutely are sure you are only attracted to men. You will be living a lie and wasting the woman’s time; Time that cannot be recovered. Take initiative and seek counselling to guide you in your chosen path. 

Executive by Day, High End Escort by Night

I met Lucy, my old neighbourhood friend after work in a high end restaurant in Westlands. It was Friday end of the month and we were in the mood for knocking champagne glasses and a bit of dancing. We both decided to go unwind at the roof top pool bar of the restaurant. The air was fresh and the wind from the roof cooled our sweat of the day. A few in house guests were swimming in the night as a few couples on the far end cuddled oblivious of our presence. I had not seen Lucy in almost ten years and when I bumped into her in town one day, we had to schedule a date to catch up on the many years lost apart.

We ordered fresh cocktails and a side dish of barbecued chicken wings. By 11pm our inhibitions had started to faze as we delved more into our personal lives. The music indoors was soft and I hummed along gently. Then suddenly, Lucy began to open up. When she was in her final year in campus, she met Tony whom she was head over heels in love with. Tony had promised to love her infinitely. Then one day after dating for six months, Lucy had a hunch that Tony could be cheating on her. This led her to visit him at home unannounced . The clouds were grey and heavy she recalled, the regular gatekeeper welcomed her without any warning and being Tony’s girlfriend she went straight to turn the key on the main door. 

Lucy narrated with a folorn face as the lines under her eyes grew longer. Two gentlemen at the far end waived at us and Lucy touched the tip of her fringe, smiled coyly and waved back. I nudged her to finish up her story before midnight. The two gentlemen added spice into our conversations making the night more exciting by sending a waiter with a bottle of Hennessy to our corner. Lucy told me how as soon as her key turned Tony’s lock open at the front door, a woman dressed only in a negligee came to open. Lucy says she begun to sweat and shake uncontrollably and before she could mutter a word in between her clenched teeth Tony came to the door. 

To date, Lucy says she does not recall what Tony said or what she did, all she knows is that Tony pushed her away from his door and she fell on his verandah. That night, the rain had pounded so heavily and she had only two hundred shillings in her purse, barely enough to get an uber back home to her parents. Lucy cried and begged Tony disregarding the almost naked woman she had seen in his house. Tony had suddenly become deaf to her wailing as he screamed obscenities at Lucy for all neighbours and sundry to hear and denied any knowledge of knowing her. Lucy says that night she slept at the gatekeeper’s resting quarters. The gatekeeper was kind enough to give her a blanket that she crouched at his plastic seat till morning. Lucy hated to relive that day of tears, rain, freezing cold and desperation and to date she decided her life would change radically.

And just like that, Lucy turned at the two gentlemen who had sent over the drink to us and ushered them to join us. Lucy whispered in my ear “make money” and I absolutely understood what she meant. Lucy worked as a Human Resource consultant. She was a disciplined and a very hard working employee. Her lifestyle was exceptionally great and for a minute I thought she had a rich boyfriend that substituted her lifestyle. Lucy lived large, in an affluent secure neighbourhood and she had access to all private country clubs. Her Instagram page was the envy of most Nairobi girls, she had been to almost the entire of Europe, South East Asia and more than half of the African countries. Not a single man or boyfriend took the limelight on her page. All her photos exhibited her as a solo travel enthusiast. A travel mook of sorts. Lucy also owned a boutique uptown that she had partitioned with a barbershop, all managed by her with four employees under her guard. I spent my ample time with Lucy a few more Friday evening’s and understood what she meant when she said her life had changed drastically after Tony dumped her. It was many years gone, but she never recovered from that ugly breakup.

Lucy confided in me that she was a high end escort girl when she was not working formally as a HR consultant during the day. Lucy cajoled me to join her and live the life! She explained that it was safe and very easy and that you do not need to sleep with the client if you did not have to. She added that being fluent in English and knowledge of at least one foreign language is a plus. She added that being aware of current affairs and to be able to have intellectual conversations was an added advantage. In addition, dress the part always. Most of the men who funded her lifestyle she said were lonely, bored and just needed exceptional female company. A great number of them she said only wanted to be treated like a hero, to be offered companionship and for you to look angelic and to listen keenly to all their ‘heroic’ stories. Majority of her clients she admitted would pay more to make them feel like they were Kings in bed. All you needed to be was the fantasy they always dreamed of. And so, the answers to her lifestyle were suddenly filled.

I was inquisitive as to how she connected to her clients. I wanted to know if she took them back home too. The hook up’s Lucy confessed, depended on the profile of the client. Some, the aides sent for her during functions which she attended conveniently and strategically placed. Other prospective clients sent her direct messages on her Instagram page and lastly she had a pimp who organised high end escorts for public figures – local and international. Lucy was very discreet not to categorically openly identify the people she has been with. All she said is that she had just finished paying her mortgage and car loan. None of the clients went back to her house for her own safety. She said with a finale most were repeat clients who always wanted to feel the girlfriend experience, none ever wanted to feel like they paid for such services. They brought her gifts whenever they travelled and all the trips she took were clients service trips as she preferred to call them. Lucy was happy and bluntly exclaimed she did her routine health check ups every six months. Lucy confessed she would never waste her time in the dating field ever again, she enjoyed this lifestyle and her conscience is hardly ever pricked. Lucy had created a perfect balance and had managed to eloquently hide from her colleagues, kin and friends her nightly rendezvous. A twisted series of a Jekyll and Hyde Princess.

Is the older Woman becoming more attractive for the Nairobi Single man?

The older woman is no longer looked down upon as desperate or a late bloomer in today’s society. The older women from 35+ years old is the most sought after and attractive for most single Nairobi men and these are the reasons why;

1. She is mature and knows exactly what she wants.

The older woman has no time to beat around the bush and is not shy to express her needs and wants. Any man would want a woman who is self expressive without fear. A man prefers this older woman because she does not play mind games or wait for the man to read her mind on what she wants.

2. She is an independent thinker and does not wait for any validation from a man.

The older woman makes her own decisions and does not wait to be given instructions to act in a relationship. She does not do anything in order to be appraised by her man. For example, If she decides to cut her hair today she does not have to ask permission from her partner, she just does it. Most men admire women who make decisions about their lives without hesitation or second guessing.

3. She is financially independent.

An older woman has her finances organized and does not go around asking for petty things like airtime or bus fare. She invests in her future and more valuable assets. A man will always like to feel needed and act as a protector but he will still admire a woman who is not wholly dependant on him. This way he knows if something ever happened to him or his finances this woman would still be able to survive and support them. This attribute makes an older woman very attractive today to the Nairobi man.

4. An older woman is unlikely to nag

This is because she can manage her emotions maturely. Her time is filled with too many things to do or things that keep her busy to think of only one thing inadequate in her life.

5. The older woman is emotionally stable and is very reasonable.

The older woman does not pick up unecessary fights and squabbles as she has matured emotionally. This makes her very ideal for the Nairobi man to date her .

7. The older woman gives her man peace

The older woman focus is on reaching to the point of self actualization. For any man this is a postive challenge and prefer being with a woman who is only focussed on the future and for both of them to grow together. The older woman has valid dreams and does not cling on her partner’s ambitions only.

8. The older woman makes a great parent

This because she is done with her wild days of partying and drinking. She is ready to settle down and be a mother without being distracted that her peers are wilding and she is missing out.

9. She is confident

The older woman is confident of her body, her poise and work . The older woman has battled self image in her younger years and has accepted how she looks and who she is. At this point, the older woman has grown or is growing in her career too. The Nairobi man often finds this confidence very attractive.

10. The older woman is growing or has grown in her religious faith.

She is the ideal Proverbs 91 Woman at this age. The older a woman gets, the more she discovers how she can be a woman who honors God. The Nairobi man is attracted to this woman more because she is morally upright and that she is trying hard to obey the rules of religion. Having a virtuous woman at home is an honour for any man.

Older women have continued to prove why they continue to be attractive to most Nairobi men dating because of these 10 qualities.

Hidden revelations about the other Woman

My childhood friend Lisa called me amidst sobs and inaudible sentences. That was almost two years ago. I was alarmed and immediately suggested we meet at a quiet, secluded eatery in the suburbs. I ordered dinner for us which was our favourite grilled chicken thighs dipped in sauce and potato wedges. A bottle of Merlot red wine topped our evening. We spoke from 8 pm until around 1am as we downed the luscious, fruity drink uninhibited. Lisa had just unearthed her husband’s affair and in defence he had kicked her out and served her with divorce papers. 

Immediately after our undergraduate studies, Lisa got pregnant and was hastily married to this tall, dark handsome engineer who had chisel shaped cheeks and had an impeccable style of dressing. He was every fresh college girl dream man. David was 12 years older than Lisa and he walked with a model gait and a chip exuding confidence and arrogance over his shoulder. After Lisa had her first son, the following year she was already pregnant with their second child. She happily took on the role of a full time housewife while David’s job took him to different parts of the country each month.

David and Lisa’s home was nestled at the outskirts of Nairobi and their beautiful home sat on David’s family property which spurn to several hectares of land. David’s family was heavily invested in horticultural farming, import and export. David and Lisa’s lovely home stood in isolation from David’s other siblings as it overlooked the lakefront at the farm. The eight room house kept Lisa busy throughout the day with occasional visits to supervise the farm workers. For ten years, all Lisa did was support David’s busy career as he transversed the country working while she raised the kids.

It was during David’s numerous engineering consultancies out of town that he met Aribah working as a beauty therapist and professional masseuse in the hotel he had booked in Mombasa. Aribah was a chocolate skinned, double chinned and thick boned young woman with coloured short natural hair. Aribah came from a poor family from Kilifi and she had to nurture her skills to work in a hotel in Mombasa after her O level Education. Aribah took care of her family in the village. Unlike David’s wife Lisa who had two degrees, full lips, nice thighs, hips and behind that most men noticed, Aribah was not so blessed with a sizeable dearie nor as strikingly beautiful as Lisa. 

From the first day David felt his aching muscles from a long day in the field needed relief from a masseuse, that was also the beginning of many years of a steamy affair with Aribah that bore him another son. Aribah was David’s well kept secret until she gave birth to David’s son. With a snap of a finger, her status had changed overnight. David rented her an apartment overlooking a manicured lawn that had a view of the Indian Ocean at the Coast of Mombasa. David stayed here every weekend in the guise of going to work. When Aribah’s son was two years old she demanded that her child needed the daily love of his father and should grow up with his other siblings. Aribah was a dramatic and a very street wise lass. She made threats and demands to David constantly and that is how Lisa found her way out of their home. With nowhere to go, Lisa moved back to her parents home with her sons and Aribah moved in immediately. Aribah had stopped her masseuse business pronto after she gave birth to David’s son. She was now strutting confidently in what was once Lisa’s kitchen and laying like a queen in Lisa’s bed.

Lisa was distraught and David blocked any communication with her except though his lawyer. In retaliation, Lisa withheld any visitation of David to their sons. She mourned over the loss of her 10 years marriage and looked for answers to relieve her closure to no avail. This is where her journey to hire a private investigator to find out facts about this other woman – Aribah, begun.

The shocking details were tabled after three months of investigations while Lisa and David stayed separated awaiting for the marriage to be annulled. Aribah apparently, had been a high end escort in Mombasa veiled under the cover of professional masseuse until she met David and her wind of luck changed. Not only was she sleeping with David when she got pregnant with his son but had an on and off boyfriend at the time leading to doubts of the paternity of the son actually being David’s. When David spent the week at home with Lisa, Aribahs boyfriend made a home in the house David paid a sizeable amount of rent each month.

A revelation of her public social media pages and posts actually confirmed this on closer scrutiny. Aribah had also bleached her skin which was clearly evident from her previous years’ posts. Aribahs posts from five years back revealed a chocolate milk complexion, before she met David. Her current Instagram post revealed Aribah had turned several shades lighter, almost white. Aribah had definitely lightened considerably within a spurn of two years and now had a yellow tan, a great attraction to David and other men.

David was not on any social media platform. This made it easy for Aribahs shenanigans to thrive. A more shocking truth was that Aribah since moving in with David frequently flew to West Africa where she went to consult witchdoctors for success. Aribah put charms in David’s food, clothes, bed and some in her privates right before every sexual activity with David in an attempt to keep him by her side permanently. Aribah was a strong believer in the spirit world for power and protection and strongly believed in charms. These charms she carried from West Africa to her home with David were imbued with ‘magical power’. She bought souvenirs, bangles and amulets for David to wear unknowingly. Aribahs own son wore a black bracelet throughout on his arm to supposedly protect him from evil spirits and harm. Aribah spent a lot of money on her journey for these ‘spiritual’ powers.

In the public eye, Aribah gave testimonies at the Church pulpit and was a die hard staunch Christian. She made no friends when she relocated from Mombasa to the city and was heavily guarded. David’s home was now a shelter strewn with Aribahs charms. The strong David had now been reduced to the whims of Aribahs demands. All she asked for she got. Surprisingly, her O levels certificate was a fake from down town. Aribah had only managed to school up to form 2. That explains why she kept to herself. Aribah rarely travelled with David for formal functions lest her knowledge of current affairs was put to test by his peers. Unlike Lisa who took on the role of a homemaker, Aribah demanded two house helps as she spent her days flaunting through the city malls and doing her nails or hair. She did not cook nor clean.

With nothing much to do for Aribah in the house she started scouting for toy boys. A habit is like a perennial disease. David was in his mid 50’s and extremely busy while Aribah was in her mid 20’s and her insatiable sexual appetite was no match for him. Aribah was so daring that soon she started to sleep with the family driver in their home when David left for work. Not once or twice did Aribah infect David with a sexually transmitted disease according to the investigations.

Aribah was no longer driving the Vitz model car she had been given while living in Mombasa but the latest Mercedes benz David often drove. Aribah took to social media to show off to her friends struggling back home in Kilifi and Mombasa and her kin applauded her for her success. Soon, David started to offset some of his properties to keep up with Aribah’s lifestyle. Aribah demanded for a lavish wedding and withheld conjugal rights until David bowed to her demand. One year later after his marriage and Lisa’s was annulled, Aribah moved out in an effort to arm twist David to formalise his union with her. Aribah left her son behind with David and moved back to Mombasa. David was lonely and distraught. By now, Lisa was calmer and settled on shared custody of their sons. Aribah did not want Lisa sons living with them during visitation either. During this period Aribah had left, David tried to convince Lisa to revive their relationship but Lisa had gone through so much emotional and psychological trauma after he threw her out. Lisa had also discovered too much about Aribah to think of mending her relationship with David. Lisa remained tight lipped over these discoveries over the years.

During Aribahs hiatus away from David, hoping to arm twist David to a wedding she had fallen pregnant with her old boyfriend in Mombasa whom she was living with. Unfortunately, she miscarried the baby and the boyfriend kicked her out. With no promised marriage and baby she crawled back to David’s home where she had abandoned her son. David in desperation took her back. David too had invested in a formula that was working for him. Anytime Aribah denied him conjugal rights he slept with every other housekeeper they hired when she was away shopping. David took a step further and slept with his work mates, his interns and even distant relatives. This home now had no barriers. It was his turn to reinfect her with sexually transmitted diseases. 

Soon David and Aribah were sleeping in separate rooms. Aribah begun to submit to David with nowhere to go and poverty glaring at her back home she had to tow his line. David owned a business block down town, he evicted one of the tenants and gave Aribah the office to start a business in order to keep her busy and to stop nagging him. With infrequent visits to West Africa, Aribahs charms to David had stated to wane. David stopped going to church and was now leaning towards atheism. Aribah toned down and was now selling curtains in that shop. Meek as a lamb with controlled expenditure and no money of her own she had run out of cards to manipulate David. The regular pedicures and manicures and idle shopping stopped. The same way Aribah had toppled Lisa out of her home is the same treatment that was meted to her. Only difference is that Aribah had nowhere to go, she took in all manner of mistreatment and threats from David. David brought all his rendezvous at home. In her presence and absence, after all they were not sleeping together since Aribah blackmailed him to a wedding.

A stroke of luck befell Lisa and she started her own Law consulting firm, built her own home and is still scared of committing again or getting married. Lisa’s main focus now is raising her two sons and staying happy. She advices men not to be too hasty to abandon their wives for the other woman cheap thrills because the price can be costly. Lisa’s mantra today is “If their absence brings you peace, you didn’t lose them.” Aribah on the other hand has been reduced to a motivational speaker on instagram. She is now a shadow of her former self without constant supply of her bleaching products. She looks old and disheveled from contant psychological abuse from David and habitual infidelities. They now deserve each other.

Why You should Date with the Poker Game Mindset

During my young, dating vibrant lifestyle I was very gullible. Whenever I fell in love or fell with the feeling of being in love I often left my senses in a locker only to recollect them after a whirlwind of useless romance. After realising the relationship or affair was fizzling, I had already been dumped or worse simply abandoned without warning. These dating streets can be cruel but they did teach me a few things here and there.

Like poker, dating is a game of skill and not luck. It is all about gambling. You need to approach dating like a poker player and learn to possess analytical abilities and people skills. In any poker game a good player is one who is disciplined, cunning, aware and open minded. Think about it, when you are dating, we never approach dating like any game, like a poker game.

We date blindly and more often than not, go with the flow guided by our date(s). We stop thinking when in fact this is where we are required to think of your date as your ‘opponent’ hypothetically. You must always stay one level thinking ahead of your ‘opponent’. This is where the criteria of levels come to play.

In any dating scenario and relationships think of the following levels as you exchange niceties, affection and let the love grow between the two of you.

Level 1; What do I have to give in this potential relationship if we continue to date?

Level 2; What does my date have as per level 1 . Like a poker game, the question is what does my opponent have?

Level 3; What does my date think I have? What does my partner in this relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) think I have?

Level 4; What does my date think I think he/she has?

Level 5; What does my girlfriend/boyfriend/date think I think he/she thinks I have?

I will share a perfect example of a friend, let me call her Annie. Annie has been dating Tom for the past two months. Annie is a simple courteous girl from a very humble background. Annie like any 20 something year old in Nairobi woman loves the good lifestyle, and she also hopes to bag a financially stable and well educated man. Looks come last in her list, as long as her checklist checkout the first two variables. Here comes along Tom whom they met while on internship at a multinational organisation. Tom works for this multinational organisation that Annie did her internship. Tom is in his early 30’s, cunning, witty, drives a sports car, lives uptown and is already pursuing his Ph.D.

Tom has been trying to lay Annie since day one but Annie is a good girl, she believes the longer Tom waits, the better her chances of Tom seeing her value and the greater her stakes of being the steady girlfriend and eventually get married to him. Annie has seen lots of potential in Tom, he is her ideal dream husband . And that is Annie’s end game. Tom takes her for dates everyday, spends money on her and every night on dropping her home, he requests her to spend the night at his place and she says No. The furthest he has been physically close to her is a hug and a three second kisses almost touching her cheeks.

Third month and Tom with his poker mind set invites Annie to his place for dinner. He made honey glazed roasted chicken and baked wedge potatoes. He lit his living room with candles, switched of the lights to give it a superb glow. He threw in extra cozy cushions on his seats and floor in anticipation of the night with Annie. Tom placed the dinner on the dining table and besides where he set Annie’s plate he strategically placed his current ATM withdrawal statement. Tom’s employer paid all the contract workers in USD. Tom’s withdrawal statement balance was in Dollars. He waited for Annie’s arrival with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and a bottle of champagne at hand. He had another card up his sleeves if this did not seem to work too. He was an intelligent poker game player.

Annie arrived at Tom’s place a few minutes after 7pm. She was dressed to wow in a short sexy sleek black dress and graphic heels. Her hair held up and with very subtle makeup. Once Annie was inside Tom’s candlelit living room, she revealed all her ‘poker cards’ to Tom. This was too surreal. No one had done something extravagant as this for her in a very long time. Annie had been swept off her feet. Tom pulled up her chair placed next to his. He conveniently excused himself for a few minutes to go to his bedroom, but this was to ‘allow’ Annie to see his ‘accidentally placed’ ATM statement next to her cutlery. Indeed, this was the second thing Annie saw after the bouquet, candles, a balance of USD 6935!

Annie was ready to have Tom’s baby that night. Tom came back, like a true gentleman, served Annie who was now smiling ear to ear, giggling and being playful. She had let all her guards down, all her cards were strewn for Tom to see. Tom saw without any struggle, he knew she had spotted the ATM balance receipt. After dinner, they snuggled amidst the cozy pillows as Tom proposed that he would soon be getting redeployment out of the country and he would like to leave with her as his wife. Tom took a step further and went down on his one knee minus a ring and proposed. Annie had taken the bait, hook, line and sinker. For the first time, Annie slept at Tom’s house.

Like poker, Tom was a smart problem solver. He had found a solution for his date’s denial of his advances to consummate this affair. And in the poker game, often the simplest solution is the best. The ATM withdrawal balance statement had done the trick. All Annie talked about as she drunk her champagne that night was their baby, how she would now move in with Tom and him handing over the extra key to his apartment. No discussions about her level 1 or 2. Tom had played his good hands fast and the bad hands slow. That night, when Tom lay Annie down in his bed, no words were spoken, she had subdued. Passion met passion and dissolved in fire. Annie had become Tom’s object of possession. When morning came, Annie woke up to Tom’s body pressed close to hers, she was in love.

Tom being older and more experienced than Annie in dating, he was also street smart and blessed with the gift of common sense and practical knowledge, especially concerning human behaviour. Tom had three more dates with Annie before he realised she had nothing more to offer. The calls waned, the candlelit dinners and walks disappeared as fast as they had come into her life. Annie was devastated. Tom was constantly busy with his studies or work. No key to his house, no redeployment for Tom, no relationship between them. All had crumbled for Annie within five months. Annie had no other cards in store to play with. She had prioritised her relationship with Tom over everything else she had going on in her life.

Truth be told, most young women need to learn about rotational dating and while at it employ the poker mind set. Once you understand dating is a game, you will stop whining how you were together for six years and bore him a child or we were together for two years then boom he started to pull away. Three weeks after you break up, he was spotted on holiday with another lass. That means, your man, your long-time ‘date’ was dating her while he was dating you. Until a man has actually paid your dowry and married you keep your options open. I don’t trust the engagement rings or set dates. Until the deed is done and certificate is at hand, keep your options open.

When you were calling all your friends sobbing and narrating how he just dumped you and how could he after all the time you had together ‘your’ man has already moved on and your sadly loosing more of your time ‘healing’. Poker game mind-set! You made him your only priority while he was hanging out, having drinks, checking out other potentials, doing his rotations, he was playing his cards well. You on the other hand were holding out your only one card. Unfortunately, if he does come back , believe me when I say he came back because you were the only remaining, easy and available option. He does not come back because he realised how senseless it was to waste all the years you have had together or you are the only woman he truly loves or karma took hold of the other woman via spiritual warfare, he came back because what he went to make work, failed. And a man or woman in your life will do it over and over again shamelessly, if you allow them to. Poker game Mindset!

Let’s talk about the Taboos of Oral Sex

Last Friday my close friend Brian called me at noon requesting for an urgent meeting. Brian has been dating my best friend for almost two years. The first thing that crossed my mind was that this meeting could insinuate trouble in paradise. Brian ended the call by asking me not to share our tele- conversation with Sally, my best friend. We were to meet at his workshop car park to avoid any speculations at 6pm. This was one of the most uncomfortable discussions I had in a long while.

The kind of trouble in paradise I expected from Brian was far from my thinking. Brian was frustrated sexually with Sally and was thinking of leaving her. I almost jumped to conclusion that he must be cheating on her until he narrated his sexual dissatisfaction with Sally. Brian complimented Sally as every man’s dream woman but was worried that she is too frigid and cannot compromise to stir up things in the bedroom. Brian cited Sally’s fanatism in the Church and deeply ingrained cultural beliefs that was making their sexual life spiral downwards. Brian hastily confessed that not once or twice had he thought of cheating on her. He had often raised the issue with her and now he wanted my advice because he did not know what else to do. 

Here we were, cosily seated in his E-class Mercedes Benz oblivious of his employees passing us as they left work for the weekend. We were discussing Brian’s frustration from Sally not yielding into Oral sex with him. Oral sex is a taboo subject in most African communities and I asked Brian to approach the subject cautiously with Sally. I begged him to respect her religious practices and cultural background because adapting to this ‘new’ sexual act is not easy.

We discussed step by step on how he should approach the subject in order to save his relationship if he still loved her.

1. I asked him to consider checking his hygiene. Maybe Sally was uncomfortable going down because of this or was unsure about how her lady parts smelled too. To remedy this I asked Brian to try and convince Sally to shower together before trying oral sex together. I advised Brian if both he and Sally were hygienic and disease free then oral sex would be a great prelude for them during intimacy.

2. I requested him to lovingly explain to her that he felt dissatisfied during sex and that he loved her and wanted to only be satisfied by her. Oral sex he should explain to her that it would help them both release hormones that would release happiness and make them both relax.

3. Brian should explain to Sally that they should try and add spice to their relationship by trying new sexual ideas that could be beneficial to both their lives. The same position was creating monotony and boredom for him and had become increasingly predictable. Emphasis is on the great orgasms that he can give Sally and vice versa. I told Brian to insist to Sally that it would be very pleasurable to her too if she tried it.

This being a taboo topic for most who would like to venture into oral sex in their relationship should know that oral sex also counts for “real sex” . It is one of the most intimate acts any couple can appreciate, connect and enjoy with one another. However we still need to be extra cautious because of transmission of sexually transmitted diseases and bacteria that can happen during oral sex. This means you can acquire an STI on your mouth and throat if not careful.

A fact that most couples and those appealing to casual sex should know is that safety in oral sex is just not in using condoms alone. Oral sex requires you to double up on protection in order to avoid mouth to genital contact and transmission of bodily fluids. How do we go about this? For men use flavoured condoms to perform oral sex and for women use what we call dental dams . Avoid if either partner has discharge, urinary problems and skin problems altogether. Better still, ensure you know both your STI statuses. 

If your fearful, worried and unsure then do not feel pressured to make your partner happy this way. Protect yourself first. I wished Brian all the best and advised that if all failed and this was very key in his relationship then he should make a decision way forward.

Stay safe, Keep safe and Play safe.

Happy Mother’s Day!(tribute)

Dear Mom, Happy Mothers Day ♡♡

Today you would be exactly 67 years old after celebrating your birthday on 5th May. It is almost 19 years since you have been gone and your absence today feels like yesterday. I write this with sniffles from my nose and tears welled up not because I am sad but happy in my heart that I know you are resting in peace. We miss you every waking moment and today being a Sunday I know you would have whisked us your favourite meal of soft layered chapatis and chicken after Mass service. I especially miss the aroma of freshly baked cakes, mandazis and bread on some Saturday mornings. You indeed set the bar high. I hope I can do the same for my offspring.

Your disciplinarian attitude lingers on and I am proud to tell you that you brought up your children to be very respectful and are now law abiding citizens. Your children are very hardworking, respectful and most importantly God fearing. Your framed picture still hangs in the living room and your clothes still intact. Save for your old diplomatic passport which your sister took years ago and used it to run away abroad but unfortunately life took a different turn on her and she is also no longer with us too. We miss her too and I am sure wherever she is you are also smiling at her. Dad is still a man of few words and tries to keep himself busy and healthy . He still jogs every morning and evening when he can and we check up on him every now and again.

Right now everything seems uncertain as we have raging pandemic all over the world called Corona. These are the moments I know you would be checking up on all your children if we have fed, need help and are taking all the necessary precautions. Mom, as we grow older we have come to appreciate the bathroom slippers that came into contact with our small behinds whenever we erred was for our own good. And as adults, we reflect on that once in a while and say if you had spared the rod I don’t know where we would be today. Thank you Mom.

You were always the first to wake up and the last to sleep everyday. You discouraged laziness and actively involved us all in house chores. You taught each one of us how to cook, dress appropriately, talk respectfully and mentored us regularly with our school work. Not a single day did you break down before us nor give up on us when things got tough. We never missed a meal and we were never quite sure when we were broke. You did all you had to do to keep the home together. Thank you Mom.

In all my years I never saw you hospitalised so it came as a shock when you went in for a common surgical procedure and never came back home. We accepted it was your time albeit painfully and we let you go. 😭. We all keep your happy memories alive.

You now have five grandchildren and one is named after you. They are all intelligent, playful, inquisitive and so full of laughter and joy. You would have loved them and they would have kept you company during the long holiday seasons with their amazing anecdotes. I have not been so lucky as I am still struggling with hypopituitarism and have also had about two surgeries. I have broken into all my savings in pursuit of this and such moments are the times I really miss your comfort. In the end I have now embraced and accepted that God’s grace is sufficient.

Thank you Mom, Happy Mother’s Day

As the world today celebrates Mother’s Day, we celebrate you everyday. Those who knew you say I Iook a lot like you and have the same strong resilient spirit. I have tried to take up textile design like you did part time and the industry is very competitive. Glad to tell you that I have revisited my painting prowess after so many years and it feels like I never stopped. Your eldest child has finessed her journalistic reporting skills you would be so proud of her and our dear last born is a born leader, marketer and mentors many. We still strive for more, for better and to do you proud too.

Dear Mom, you mastered all your children’s personalities and always knew how to handle us individually. I would pen an entire book about your attributes but I am sure you know how much we all loved you. We are still trying to fit into your kind of shoes to date. You are Loved and never forgotten.

Happy Mother’ Day Mom!

Blaming the Effin’ Oxytocin

Why are Most women such suck ups to bad Relationships?

Above pic denotes me minding my own business, avoiding negativity and not giving any more relationship advice. Let everyone phuck their happiness.

Why is it that most women, me included (God knows I dealt with a dysfunctional phase) are eager to jump back to a bad relationship and forgive? We don’t  even give it a two cent worth thought? Is it the oxytocin? Me thinks its got to be.

Scene 1: You catch him cheating with another lass, within 3 days you forgive him and lay down conditions. Wait, he is still with the one you caught him cheating on you with and is not leaving her either. Why do we think no one else can treat us better or deserve better. I blame oxy on this one. Effing idiot!

Scene 2: You come crying to me he has been warming up to another beauty for a year and you just discovered. Even made all future plans with her. He apologises.Says its a lie. You have all the evidence but choose to stay and turn a blind eye to all the physical evidence. He still doesn’t stop smashing the beauty though…Oxy again?

Hmmm… Handle your business ladies…nobody got time for your tears coz all you need is a big whip of common sense. You choose to stay because you want to.Don’t ask for advice if you can’t receive it. Nip it, tuck it dont share nor discuss it if you stay!

Signed yours Aunty!

My thoughts on Covid-19 Pandemic

Growing up we used to share tales of how punishment was meted on us by our parents. My mother had a very special relationship with her bathroom slippers. She had an affinity to use them to straighten you thoroughly on your backside when you erred. So, it took me by surprise when I heard my bourgeois friends tell us how their folks would send them to a corner with a chair to meditate on their truancy. This is exactly how I feel about the Covid – 19 lockdowns. You sit in a chair in your home and think about your life for about 12 hours straight, every day, every week. If your job attracts groups and gatherings like me, you are now home till further notice. This is because Covid-19 seems to thrive more in groups and gatherings where social distancing is hard to manage or control. By 7pm -5am all the towns are unusually quiet. Everyone is indoors except for people working in very essential services sectors. Save for dinner being stirred in pots and the clicking of cutlery, odd meaningless conversations fill the air in each home, because we rarely communicate with each other. The air is pregnant with unusual silence. We now have very many hours to ponder, to reflect, to turn on the soothing music, sing along and switch off our all-time destructive gadgets.

The entire world has been impacted by the triple effects of the corona virus. In addition, a lot has been perpetrated by the media (good and bad ) too many biased scripts written and propaganda has also flown out of the roof during this period. Leaders, multibillionaires, religious charlatans have also joined in the bandwagon and meted out their two cents.

Face of corona virus
I was amazed to read that an American Philanthropist said that lack of testing kits in Africa is the reason our numbers are low but soon we will have bodies out in the streets. Why would someone think this out loud if it is true they said it? Some of these oligarchies simply use real or imagined panics to create a global monopoly on vaccines for years with an aim of institutionalizing themselves as the Kings of the World. Most deaths are being reported from countries who are more wealthy than African Nations and with better health care systems. To boot they are more prepared to handle disasters and natural pandemics. Yes, Africa is not testing as much but the piles of dead bodies in the hospitals from Covid-19 is something we cannot hide from the world. The sick too will have no option but to end up in hospital. So where are they? If indeed her sentiments are factual? That not withstanding I am also perplexed why with all the quarantine, travel bans and full lock downs from wealthy nations why are our numbers of fatalities do not match that of the West.

I watched in dismay a week ago too when two French doctors shamelessly suggested on a live TV station in France on how a potential new treatment against Covid -19 should be first tested in Africa, “where there are no masks, no treatment …,” They later apologized after a social media uproar. Damage was already done; Africans will not be your guinea pigs. We have people who so badly want black people to be the face of corona virus, Why?

Survival vs Staying home hungry
The economic wage curve does not favor most Kenyans, with the struggling middle to lower income earners still going outdoors to earn a living and majority using public transport it’s a battle between survival and corona virus infection. We are in fact playing the Russian roulette. “It is hard to be alarmed when your entire existence is an alarm” . This is the mantra for the poor living from hand to mouth, with no health care cover, no access to amenities, Karma – Kenyan style! My Government has so far zero plans to cushion the poor from the Corona virus effects in comparison to more wealthy nations. No truce or discussions between landlords and tenants’ association, its survival for the fittest as long as this lasts. Meanwhile you would be like a lame duck if you are seated waiting for an offer of free sanitizers, free face masks or daily food rations at your doorstep.

Tropical diseases and management in Africa
“The annals of medicine are full of diseases that sound like no known disease today but that once caused terrifying epidemics before disappearing as mysteriously as they had come.” Africans have been battling neglected tropical infectious diseases for eons before the onset of Covid -19. These diseases are far less known in management in Europe and America because these are diseases that affect only the poor in the tropics. Most of the world had read it, we have lived it. Control of the spread of Corona virus apart from precautions such as social distancing, sanitizing and vaccination could be achieved through “a synthesis of biomedical, social and cultural knowledge amalgamated through the practices of a mixture of local and international actors.” Solutions must be tailored to local, social, historical and cultural conditions. Food for thought for our government to funding and making biomedical research a priority for African nations. Over to our local researchers and scientists to lobby! Overall, let us hope like most epidemics and pandemics, Corona virus will die out, be cured by modern medicine or stop when everyone has been infected and become immune to further attack and that will cause the virus to die out quickly.

Post Corona and Africa self reliance?
I was very excited when I saw our textile designers from Africa who have come up with Ankara face masks that can withstand several washes. They tell us that they are not effective but how affordable is buying an N95 or three ply face mask every time you leave home for the common man? Half loaf is better than none. I got me an Ankara face mask; supporting and growing our own innovation too! I was happy too to see Kenyatta University students unveil ventilators they made using local materials. Once the prototype is approved, the Kenyan Institution has the capacity to produce 50 ventilators in a week. This is the push and support Africa needs. Innovations and inventions for Africa by Africans.

We have also learnt hard lessons that home is home no matter what. Those who had gone abroad for greener pastures to eke a living are now back home; To their ancestral land. We are learning that even the West or South do not always have all the answers. This is the time for Africans to start believing in ourselves and our Governments supporting and funding local innovations, technological advancements and entrepreneurship. It is time the corrupt political elites learn their big lessons. Right now, they cannot run to stash their stolen loot abroad or seek medical help if they fall sick. We are all rowing in one boat regardless of class and status. The same health sectors they ignore to fund will be the same ones they will check into if Covid -19 attacks them. It is time for a real wake up call for African leaders as Covid – 19 is the revolution many African nations have been waiting for. Let this be our moment to restructure our economy, social and political sectors. A time for us citizens to learn who our leaders are and who to vote in or out next time we go to the polls. What will African Nations do after the Covid-19 pandemic? Will things go back to normal? What will you and I do different when this is all over? What will be your contribution?

Self Reflections and Relationships
On the other hand, majority of us have been walking around our homes like a lioness with her cubs looking like a deposed queen giving out an aura of pity. The only thing on our minds is to get back to normalcy; to continue visiting the fancy restaurants, attending events, road trips, taking beach walks, flights etc. We want to jump back to our carefree lives with a snap of fingers and without worry of the air we breathe. Dysfunctional homes and couples who have been living in toxic relationships for years now have nowhere to run but to share space and fix this for 21+ days. It’s a break or make. You have to be in each other’s faces for quite some time. Embrace it, could be what you needed. Long lost loves and exes have been reaching out to each other. The virus had indeed created loneliness. Embrace people who will reach out to you when they are free not when they are locked indoors with limited options to tell you how they really feel face to face. This is because once the doors are open, they will leave, again.

This lockdown has definitely so far taught me a thing or two, that I can never take it for granted simply waking up healthy and alive. That I will never take anything else for granted, my family, my savings, my home, my exploits, travelling etc. I appreciate everything, even my enemies because they too have taught me the art of forgiveness. You can have everything now and the day next all is gone. I have taken my appreciation for all health care workers on a higher pedestal, they are our real heroes right now who deserve Grande red carpet Emmy awards once this is all over. Salute! For the rest of us, your freedom and your life is the most valuable asset you can guard now! We now search new freedom and a fresh peace of mind, we want to start new lives but it seems rather absurd now. Meanwhile we await our fate and bow to the fact the world is no one’s home! Take this time to relearn and improve your lifestyle for the better. To reflect more and to have more faith in God and prayer. Overall, take precautions as advised against the spread of Covid-19.